Living on the edge

I was watching this movie the other day (too lazy to Google it's name) which had this line which went like "There is only so much failure a man can take". Now this was one line that sent chills down my spine. Sometimes I wonder whether I am on the edge, or have I been pushed off the ledge. I sure hope it's the former. Each morning, I wait for the day to end; Each Monday, I wait for the week to end; Each 1st I wait for the month to end. I wait, promising myself a better tomorrow. I really don't know, what I expect out of life, all I know is that I need a change. Change is a funny thing you know, at least for me it is. I look forward to it, and when it time for the change, I have a tendency to resist it. But then again, isn't change a quintessential requirement of life?

I'm hanging by my fingertips, I can't see what's below.

If only I could see beneath me, I might just let go.

Me against myself.

As is customary for bloggers, I thought I'd go with the new year post as well, and to do so, I decided to bring back the how-goes-life graph I'd used a couple of years ago. But we will get to the graph later. So anyway, this year was in a way good, but over all not as satisfying, as I'd hoped it would be. Of course, I've changed a lot over this past year, more for the better than for the worse, but I don't like the new me. It's been a year filled with self-control, injected with spurts of momentary madness, but I have calmed down a lot, I believe this is what they call getting mature. Though I have alienated myself from quite a few people, and am lonely all of a sudden, but I also discovered, that I loved travelling alone. I believe I've made good progress at work this year, though I am bit unsure whether I have been able to do the same with respect to my career. It's been a year filled with mixed emotions. I realized, how much I loved to spend, and with it, I also experienced how insecure it felt to be broke. I barely watched any movies this past year, and also, barely listened to any music, and thus my year was kinda bland. This was a year I wondered a lot about my future, though I never decided on doing anything for it. May be that was a decision in itself. A lotta things started making sense this past year, and an equal amount, if not more, felt amiss. Let bygones be bygones, all that matters is that I survived. I hope I can untangle my life a bit in the year 2011. As for the how-goes-life graph, here it is...

Oh, and as for my resolutions for this year, I intend to lead a healthier lifestyle (better diet, and a bit of exercising) and to drive/ride slower.

The day full of 'almost's.

The end of the year is almost here, and ironically, today was filled with 'almost's. Well, to start with, I almost got up time today. And when I did get up, I almost went for a morning walk, almost keeping true to my to-be new-year resolution. Following that, I almost ditched my parents, who wanted to take me to this place I didn't want to go to. Next I almost ran over a kid, which was the one thing I don't regret, was only an almost. Then in the afternoon, I almost took a nap, and almost ignored my bike's maintenance, coz of which I have almost no fingerprints on one of my index fingers. Then I almost got Tres a key-chain that read her name. I almost went to meet a friend who was too lazy to come meet me, and I almost ditched the one who wasn't. Also, like many of my other ones, I almost did not publish this post. It's a funny thing you know, I didn't do any of the things I wanted to do, yet I wouldn't call today a bad day. On the contrary, I'd say it was a rather decent day. I guess, as long as I keep doing something or the other, I'm satisfied.

To be or not to be

Hmmm, so I get up this morning, and surprisingly I still remember the dream I had had. Of all the things in the world, it was about this blog of mine. I dreamt about how awful my rhymes were and was embarrassed, when I was linked to this blog. Now it's not that many people follow me here, but I think there are a coupla kooks who silently follow my blog post's titles :P The reason I blog, is to let off some steam, and deleting the blog is not an option, at least not at the moment. However, I could stop rhyming in public, at least for a while. I wonder if I should add 'will not rhyme' to my new year resolution list. Oh yeah, I've already started with it. Numero uno on the list is to lead a healthier life style, followed closely by being slower on the road. Although I've been trying to get a head-start on the first one and I haven't been successful at it, things have been brighter with the second to-be-resolution. I've certainly become a more mature driver, interrupted by spurts of rash maneuvers. I'm disappointed by the fact that Blur's Song 2, still makes my revs go up. But I still have hope for my self. The end of the year is almost here, I have high hopes for the coming year. Filled with uncertainties, it is definitely going to be an exciting one. Anyway, there is still a little time left before the year ends, but not much for the day to end. I must retire now. Gotta at least try to get up early tomorrow, and may be, just may be, I might even flex a few muscles, ie, if I manage to get up on time without setting an alarm :P

All funked up

There was this kid, back in school, who eventually became one of my best friends by the time we passed out. Sadly though, after school, I kind of lost touch with most of my friends. After all, we didn't have cell phones back then, nor had emails and social networking sites caught up by then. A year after I joined college, I heard that that this friend of mine (Henceforth referred to as Scully) had fallen ill. I got in touch with him and spoke to him a couple of times, in the following year. Then a year later, roaming on the street, I ran into another friend from school and he took me meet Scully. Scully was weak, unlike the person I had known, who was athletic and energetic. I was really disturbed. Years passed by, and we didn't speak. I wasn't that I didn't care, it was just that I, like an ostrich, just wanted to bury my head in the ground. I did care about him and kept tabs on him though. It was always awkward conversing with him, and I avoided doing so. So anyway, I am headed to the town he is in, and recently contacted him again. I heard he wasn't doing so well, and for some reason, tears started pouring from my eyes. I really don't remember when the last time was when I cried, but I don't think I've had my eyes water this way in over a decade and a half. I sobbed myself to sleep and got up with puffy eyes. I am still wondering what had happened. Was it the kid in me who started crying? Were there other emotions which were triggered like an avalanche by this conversation. I've always wished Scully the best, and thought of him occasionally. I had always imagined Scully getting better, but that was never the case. I had often considered calling him, but never did get to it. Even my mother had noticed this reluctance to call Scully, and had asked me to get my head out of the ground. I wonder sometimes, if I was a good friend, not having bothered to check up on an ill friend. I really don't know what to say. Though I would be lying if I told you Scully had nothing to do with this upcoming trip of mine. I really really wanted to meet him, and now I am reluctant again.

Here we go again.

The sun is out, there are these beautiful white clouds floating in the sky, and I am sitting here staring out my window; what a day to be gloomy. I'm still listening to "When they come for me", just that, now it is the only song in my playlist. The temperature around my place at work is fairly comfortable, a tad bellow shivering point; just the way I like it. Today I made changes to the only remaining project in my team, that I hadn't yet touched, yet I'm not happy. Someone at work, once asked me to be a little less polite, and I took his advice. I don't like this arrogant self of mine. There is a lot that is amiss, and I have no doubts that things would work themselves out soon. However, soon after I got up this morning, I was hit by something. Not something, but more of a lack of it. I see dark clouds looming ahead, at least for the next three months, if not more. Hoping to make it through dry. :( Anyway, I leave you with a latest addition to my incomplete Lines O' Rhymes document :

Some days I wake up and ask why.

I really wonder if life is a lie.

To get what you want, you work hard for.

And once you have it, you don't want it no more.

Needs change, wants change.

In a lifetime your requirements exhibit a whole lotta range.

I wonder why I can't think ahead.

I wonder why my mind can't be read.

Some days I wake up in a lot of pain.

Some days I wake up and think, "Here we go again"

Start trying to catch up M***** F*****

Going crazy listening to this song "When they come for me" by Linkin Park. I just love it when my rear view mirror vibrates to the beat of this song. There is something about this song that really appeals to me; it may be the beat, or may be the prompt to catch up in the lyrics, but each time I play this song, I can notice a change in my driving style. It's been a while since I have been hearing these words in my head, long before this song even came out, and each time it played in my head, I felt motivated. Ironically, I'd only recently stopped hearing these words, and thought I had finally caught up to the shadow I was chasing. Things had started to settle down, but along came this song and stirred things up. Pumped up again, I am ready to go. Funny how decisions are taken with so much ease when you are are all pumped up and raring to go. I am still as confused and unsure as I ever was, but I will still go ahead with the impulsive decision I have taken, like I always do. *Fingers crossed*