Shutdown -r

I am not someone who gives up easy, for I have had to fight for everything, but right now I am at a point where things have been rough for a long while, and I’m just plain tired. I am dissatisfied with everything, dissatisfied with life itself. How is it that you work hard to build something, and all of a sudden you get tired of it? I know I have been going on about change for a while now, but now it’s time. Wheels of change are in motion, and everything from this life must go, everything that makes me sad. I do not regret anything that I’ve done, for every incident, every scar teaches you something. I am just scared of what the future might hold. As a start, I’ve decided to lose the pot belly I’ve grown in the past few years, and have hence started pushing my body beyond what I thought it was capable of. I’ve grown fond of running. Nothing beats the feeling of having no thoughts at all, except the one about gulping down large volumes of air, and still being breathless. Sometimes I even get “runner’s high”. Fewer hours at work has been a side effect of this new addiction. There is a lot I have to set right. Recently, I read this blog post and really liked the analogy. I have realized that I have been concentrating so hard to get my pebbles in my jar, that I haven’t left much room for the rocks. It’s funny how it’s the rocks define you, yet the world judges you by your pebbles and sand. There were so may things I’d aimed at achieving, so many goals I’ve missed. I guess it’s time to reboot.

Oiling the hinges

The other day, I was riding in the hot sun, on a deserted road, and as I approached an S-bend, I couldn't help but resist, leaning in low at the turns, even though I had decided not to do so. That's when it hit me : "I can, but should I?". There are a million situations where this question comes to my mind, sometimes I give heed to it, while most times I don't. Is it even in my powers to stop myself, I wonder. That's where Dr. Dan Ariely come in. Recently I read this book called Predictably Irrational written by him. I don't read non-fiction books that often, but there was something about this book that that caught my eye. I didn't really have a lot of time on my hands, and the fact that I had loads to write (more like copying actually, nothing involving much mental activity), inspired me to try out an audio book instead of the regular book. Honestly, I had always despised those who read/heard audio books, and considered it as a mean by which the lazy, got through with books that were forced onto them. Anyway, for me, this was the means of getting through with the book I had forced onto myself. I started of with the book, not thinking much of it, especially since wikipedia stated the genre of the book as Behavioral economics. But as the night became cold, and the pile of sheets I had left to write, diminished, I became more n more engrossed in the book, and with each break that I took from writing, which was based on the chapters of the book, ending, I gave the it some thought, and I was able to relate to a million incidents, where I had behaved irrationally, or even when people I knew acted this way, and then all of a sudden, it all made sense. So coming back to why I leaned in low, and took the turn at double the speed I ought to have, the answer is herding. Okay, I did tell you that it was a deserted road, and since there was no one around, how could I have queued up behind someone else, when I went in to take the turn. The fact, according to Dr. Ariely is that I am queuing up behind my own self. When the first time I went in low, it was only out of curiosity. The next time I thought that the last time wasn't that bad, in fact it was fun, why not do it again. And then there was no looking back. So you see, even though my decision was an irrational one, it was, to some, quite a predictable one. And the fact that I am aware of the mechanism of herding, does little to improve my chances of not behaving more rationally, as the author of the book has himself conceded having fallen victim to certain illogical behaviour, despite having prior knowledge to this flaw in the human nature. It is only in retrospect that we can clearly see the fallacy influencing our actions. Sadly, though the book does go into the detailed analysis of the widdershin nature of human behaviour, it is only restricted to the aspects influencing behavioural economics. So this incident occurred, which in my opinion was a little unreasonable. As I have already mentioned before, I ride an Enfield, and you all must probably be aware that Enfields are a little greedy when it comes to oil consumptions, and most of them are clumsy eaters, spilling more than consuming. So any way, I always keep a container of oil at home, just to occasionally fill her up. And yesterday, I noticed that a couple of the doors at home were squeaking. Since I knew that no one was going to get their hands dirty with oil, I took it upon myself to rid all doors of their squeak. Okay, I may have been a tad too generous with the oil, but at the end of the day all doors were mute. Sadly, my efforts went not only unappreciated, my parents seemed rather displeased by my actions. Apparently the doors became so free that the slightest breeze sent the door flying shut or open whatever be the direction of the gust. Even though I didn't didn't expect any appreciation, it did feel bad that my parents were not happy about it. And what is worse, is that I realised that I too do this with other people all the time. They say there are pleasure centers that get activated when one's work is appreciated. Are there displeasure centers too in the brain? Speaking of pleasure centers the other day a random guy (who looked atleast 45) who was with his wife in a car next to me, at a red light, rolled down his window, and said "You have a beautiful bike". Doesn't it feel great when someone you don't know, n will probably never meet again, complements you (or your beloved belongings in this case). That guy made me smile for atleast the next 5 minutes, if not more. Any way, reading this book made me realise, how my decisions have already been taken for me. Which reminds me what my Hindi tutor taught me, there is this phrase from the Mahabharat, n technically should also be in the Gita, which roughly translates to the happenings have occurred before they happen. Probably it was too profound a thought for me to have understood then, but I did finally get what it meant a while ago. Its like the actions we are going to perform are to a great extent depended on the ones that preceded it. And now this book only reinforces the statement. I would like to probe the decision making process a bit further, and would certainly be reading more books of this kind from now on.

Dreams, desires and failure

Dreams, Desires & Failure

I wish, I wish, for a million things.

But in my mind, this question springs.

For which of these wishes, do I yearn?

In my mind starts, this fray in turn.

I know they all cannot come true.

And that this shouldn't turn my world to blue.

But for some reason, it pushes me under.

And once again, I begin to wonder.

Which of these wishes do I earn?

I guess with time, the answer I'll learn.

Meanwhile, I won't let, my failures sting.

As the most out of life, I shall try and wring.

Objects of desire

What is life without materialistic desires? It is only human to want and acquire more, and I am no saint. Though this list does contain what I desire at this frame of time, I am certain, that some items on this list would be struck off before I acquire em, and am pretty sure that a lot more would replace them in due time, for it is desire that fuels a man. So here's a list of objects I desire :

1. Numero Uno on my list of desirable objects wouldn't come as a surprise to those of you who know me. Yes, it is a bike, and yes it is a bullet. It is strikingly similar to my current ride, though it is a lot better. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the 500cc lean burn Bullet Machismo. Although I am going to try to convince my Dad to buy me one, please don't be surprised if I show up on a 350 Bullet electra (new, not my current one) instead.

CTD (Cost to Dad) : Rs 1,15,000/-

2. Numero Dos is something I have already mentioned on my blog. It is a 250GB internal hard drive. I would love to go in for a SATA after I have seen the significant difference in data transfer speeds, but since it would be my secondary hdd, I wouldn't mind going in for a PATA if there is a significant price difference.

CTD : Rs 3000/-

3. Numero Tres comes something which is fueled by my passion for bikes. I believe in safety while riding, that is why I always wear a helmet. But there is a lot more safety equipment that one should use. I am talking about an armoured jacket, the kind with shoulder, back and elbow protectors. At the moment I have identified two companies that make the cheapest protective jacket, DSG and Cramster.

CTD : Rs 4500/-

4. Number four (Uno, dos, tres was all the Espanol I knew, thanks to Ricky Martin) wasn't that easy to decide, but I settled for something similar to number three in a sense. It is a jacket all right, which could be used for protection while riding too, but I want it otherwise too. I am talking about a leather Jacket.

CTD : Rs 5000/-

5. For number five, I come back to computer peripherals. This is something I have been borrowing from a friend each time I needed to use it, but when I heard of its cost, I just had to add it to my list. This, as you see in the picture is a DVD writer. Of course, if and when I buy my 250 GB hdd, this device would not be required for a while after that.

CTD : Rs 1100/-

6. Coming back to bikes, I have always wanted one of those snazzy helmets. My helmet of choice would be a full-face one with a visor and a peak. Most people think that a peak is useless, but it is really effective in cutting down the sun's glare. On the other hand, an improperly designed peak, at high speeds puts a lot of pressure on the neck.

CTD : Rs 5000/-

7. Next up comes RAM. My PC runs on a mere 512mb of RAM and a little more memory would do it good. I have just two slots on my motherboard and the manual that came with stated that I could fit in only 1GB DDR RAM. So i guess the maximum I could go up to would be 2 GB, though 1.5GB wouldn't be too bad either.

CTD : Rs 2000/-

8. Last but not the least, I have always wanted to own a bicycle. I did have one as a kid, and like my motorcycle, I rode it hard. The only thing was that it wasn't mine. It was my sister's, who hadn't ridden it. It was one of those cycles with a sissy handle bar. But luckily, most guys had such bikes and the bike wasn't pink or something ;) it was white n blue. Then when we shifted to the capital, my bike was taken away, since it wasn't safe for kids to ride cycles there. I did set out to check out the bicycles available in the market, a couple of years ago, but unfortunately none were available in my size. They were all too small. This is probably the last thing I would go n buy if i had the money (lest I be thought eccentric), but it is one thing that I would always desire.

CTD : Rs 3000/-